Michele

After a huge slump during the summer and depression over gaining weight the tables have been turned. I have reached my first mini goal of 170 pounds!!! Yeah! Now for my next mini goal, 165! Will I make it?

I started my weight loss journey in February 2008. I was 182 pounds. Here we are 6 months later and I am 176 pounds. Yes I have lost some weight. But this is not at all what I expected. I am part of a weight loss buddy group but the motivation is gone. I realize my biggest downfall is exercise. I just don’t take the time to do it. I have so many excuses. I need one really good friend who will kick me in the butt and get me going. I need one faithful person who will hold me accountable to do this. Someone to challenge me to do this. So many people have let me down, including myself. I’m tired and depressed about this when I should be excited and pumped. I need some sort of light at the end of my tunnel to keep me focused on doing this. I just don’t see the point. Who is there in my life that I need to do this for anyway? I never go out and my hubby doesn’t really care. It’s easy for him. He gets to leave the house, alone and eat what he wants (the healthy stuff) without a kitchen full of junk to tempt him. And he is eating by himself while I have to cook for 6 picky kids. When he wants exercise he can just take a break and go for a walk. I have to babysit my kids and can’t just go for a walk whenever I want. He sees other people and has a reason to look good. I stay at home and see my kids all day. They don’t care how I look. I’m just mom to them.

Ok this is getting out of hand. I am clearly depressed. I have been here before. This will pass. I just hate it. I read a diary entry from over 2 years ago and it was the same exact way. It doesn’t change and I want it to. I have asked for help and no one cares. No one will help. Well, I need to help myself and I need to do this for me. Oh God, if you are there please, please help me!!!

It figures. I just nicely get over this horrible bout of sickness and my 2 year old son Zackary, broke his collar bone! Anything to keep me on my toes, huh?! He will be fine, in about 8 weeks. But until then mommy has to keep this active 2 year old from hurting himself again. Is this my boost to getting in some extra exercise? Ha Ha!

I can’t remember a time when I ever felt so sick for so long. But I think the worst is over. I still don’t know for sure what I had. I went to a chiropractor friend who is also into nutrition. He did an adjustment and said I am really messed up. He also suggested that I have surgery done on my feet. That could be a big factor/and cure to all the weird symptoms I have had over the years. After seeing him my shivering chills and high fevers never came back! Yeah! The only issues I still have would be a constant upset stomach and an equilibrium problem that I can’t explain. But I can live with those for a while. I am back to eating and eating healthier. My husband is on this stir fry kick right now so there is usually an abundance of fresh veggies in the fridge. I have been eating more salads. The warmer weather is finally here and I have started walking again. It feels so great!

Tomorrow will be 1 whole week of going through this. I am so “sick” of it. I get these uncontrollable shivers. my feet and hands get really cold. My fingers go numb and my nail beds turn purple. Then I bundle up to get warm and my temp spikes way up. a few times it has gotten over 104. Then I break out in a sweat. I am so sick of this cycle. I want it to stop. I have tried almost everything. I’m achy all over and have a perpetual headache. At times it feels like someone has wrapped my eye sockets in sand. I am so lethargic. At times I’m normally hungry and other times feel sick to my stomach like I’m gonna throw up. My nerves and muscles are so sore from the shaking during the shivering spells. I don’t cough much but when I do it is dry and hurts. And then out of the blue it will seem like I’m getting better again just to have it start all over again in a few hours. Has anyone experienced anything like this? I could sure use some help.

They help a lot. I guess I should clarify a few things. I don’t think I could ever commit suicide. So I think it is safe to rule that out. I guess what I’m struggling with is insecurity, fear, loneliness, a general feeling of hopelessness. I am struggling with keeping my thoughts and emotions on track. I take comments and situations to an extreme and worry and fret over things out of my control. Being a stay at home, home schooling mom of 6 has put me in a cage so to speak and I just feel trapped. I have tried counseling but it hasn’t helped. The people I have been able to tell this to say that it is all in my head and I just need to “suck it up and get on with life”.  Others are quick to tell me what my problem is, which I already know, but don’t seem to help me out of it. So, sorry if I scared people into thinking I was considering ending my life. I’m not…I just want these stupid thoughts of insecurity to go away!

But I have no idea who to turn to. I am in the middle of some big emotional trials. And all I think about are the negative things. I just can’t stop thinking that life is going on without me. I can’t eat. I’m losing weight fast but I know this isn’t the way to do it. I have lost 4 pounds in 3 days! I am just in such despair that my body just doesn’t want anything. I had half a cheese sandwich last night and it literally made me sick. I am just sick, mentally, I can’t stop thinking destructive thoughts. and I know that this kind of stress is not good for me or my diet. I hate the thought of giving up on life but it seems like the only way to get rid of the trials in my life. I want help but have no one to tell. I feel so alone!

Well, this is all so new to me. I am not a blogger…yet…So, I just wanted to get the ball rolling and officially type something here.